So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
