i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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