Taylor Swift is so right about you.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
