I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
