i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
