so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
