We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
