I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
