So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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