she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
