Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
