i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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