I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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