i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
