Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
