I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
