if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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