Sry I called you an 8
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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