i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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