doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
