There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
