a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize