I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
