just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
