why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
