I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
