I'm laying in your front yard are you home
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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