Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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