Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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