What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
