You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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