Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
