she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
