this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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