Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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