I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
