Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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