Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
