I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
