I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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