dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
