You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
