i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Let's paint friendship bongs
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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