I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
