So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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