So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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