im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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