handjob tips. give me some.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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