and you said cock pushups were impossible
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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