Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im six kinds of drunk right now
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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