I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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