I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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