I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
