i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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