you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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