I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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