No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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