Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
