If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
