By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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