I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
