I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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