Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
