I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
