I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Drake has all the answers
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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