i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
