Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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