Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
